Three things

I've just found out via Jackie D and others, that it's the fashion to reveal lists of three things about yourself. Here's mine:

Three Names You Go By:
1. Andy
2. Andrew
3. Dr. Wood

Three Things You Like About Yourself:
1. Modesty forbids
2. Modesty forbids
3. Modesty forbids

Three Things You Dislike About Yourself:
1. Pugnacious
2. Arrogant
3. None of your business

Three Parts of Your Heritage:
1. Teuchter
2. Sassenach
3. Blue blood, via the bastard offspring of the Duke of *******.

Three Things That Scare You:
1. I'm not telling you that. Haven't you read 1984?
2. Didn't you ever wonder how O'Brien knew that Winston was afraid of rats?
3. It'll be printed on our ID cards before you know it.

Three of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. My house keys
2. My office keys
3. My car keys

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Black jeans
2. A blue shirt
3. A water resistant watch

Three of Your Favorite Bands/Artists (at the moment):
1. Ella Fitzgerald
2. J. S. Bach
3. Ricky Martin

Three of Your Favorite Songs at Present:
1. Canon in D, by Johann Pachelbel
2. The Music of the Night, by Andrew Lloyd Webber
3. Master of the House, by Herbert Kretzmer

Three New Things You Want to Try in the Next 12 Months:
1. Learn to play the piano
2. Learn to count cards
3. I think I've tried nearly everything I want to do at least once

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (love is a given):
1. Cooking
2. Cleaning
3. No heavy lifting

Two Truths and a Lie:
1. I once went night-clubbing in Los Angeles with Aneka, who had the No. 1 hit Japanese Boy in 1981.
2. I once spent over £500 in one night in a lap dancing club.
3. I am a distant cousin of Ian Hislop, editor of Private Eye and star of Have I Got News For You.

Three Physical Things About the Opposite Sex That Appeal to You:
1. Big, brown eyes
2. Long, dark, curly hair
3. Perhaps I'd better not say

Three Things You Just Can't Do:
1. Nod quietly, in feigned agreement
2. Watch people sticking needles in their arms
3. Drink more than five pints of beer in one night

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Scuba diving
2. Skiing
3. Swimming

Three Things You Want to do Really Badly Right Now:
1. The washing up
2. Go to bed
3. Other than that, I'm quite content

Three Places You Want to Go on Vacation:
1. India
2. Brazil
3. Cornwall

Three Kids' Names:
1. Sine
2. Alasdair
3. Calum

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Solve Quantum Gravity
2. Witness a nuclear explosion
3. Conquer the known world

Astrology

One of my party tricks is guessing people's star signs with astonishing accuracy. It's very easy. All you have to do is choose your target, identify a friend of your target who is likely to know such things and, when your target is out of earshot, ask the friend to tell you your target's star sign. At an opportune moment, you can then reveal to your target your talent for guessing star signs with astonishing accuracy.

"You're a Capricorn, aren't you?"

"Wow! That's amazing! How did you do that?"

"Oh, you know. There are one or two things that give it away."

Sometimes this technique works:

"When's your birthday?"

"The third of December."

"Don't tell me. You're a Sagitarius, aren't you?"

"Wow! That's amazing! How did you do that?"

"Oh, you know. There are one or two things that give it away."

Although, it's usually best to leave a gap of a month or two between "The third of December" and "Don't tell me. You're a Sagitarius, aren't you?"

So. Saturday night. A couple of girls in my company decide to try to guess my star sign.

"Gemini, isn't it?"

"No."

Recognising the opportunity, I single out the boyfriends of the aforementioned girls, and learn that they are both Cancer.

Later that evening:

"So, have you worked out my star sign yet?"

"Is it Pisces?"

"No, it's not Pisces."

"It must be Leo. You're definitely a Leo."

I can't help smirking.

"You are a Leo, aren't you."

"No, I'm not a Leo."

"Virgo?"

"Not Virgo either."

"All right, I give up. What are you then?"

"Scorpio."

I spring my party trick:

"I reckon you must be a Cancer, G. In fact, I think you're a Cancer too, N."

"Oh yeah, I know. It's so obvious, isn't it. We're both such typical Cancers, aren't we?"

????????

It's never fallen flat on me like that before.

Beautiful railway bridge over the silvery Tay

Brian Micklethwait likes beautiful bridges. Here's a picture of one of the original beautiful bridges:

Click for a larger image (1M)

I took this picture from the top of the volcano in the middle of Dundee.

The Great William Topaz McGonagall wrote no less than three poems about the Tay railway bridges. Here's one of them:

The Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay

BEAUTIFUL Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
With your numerous arches and pillars in so grand array
And your central girders, which seem to the eye
To be almost towering to the sky.
The greatest wonder of the day,
And a great beautification to the River Tay,
Most beautiful to be seen,
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
That has caused the Emperor of Brazil to leave
His home far away, incognito in his dress,
And view thee ere he passed along en route to Inverness.

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
The longest of the present day
That has ever crossed o'er a tidal river stream,
Most gigantic to be seen,
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
Which will cause great rejoicing on the opening day
And hundreds of people will come from far away,
Also the Queen, most gorgeous to be seen,
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
And prosperity to Provost Cox, who has given
Thirty thousand pounds and upwards away
In helping to erect the Bridge of the Tay,
Most handsome to be seen,
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
I hope that God will protect all passengers
By night and by day,
And that no accident will befall them while crossing
The Bridge of the Silvery Tay,
For that would be most awful to be seen
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay !
And prosperity to Messrs Bouche and Grothe,
The famous engineers of the present day,
Who have succeeded in erecting the Railway
Bridge of the Silvery Tay,
Which stands unequalled to be seen
Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.

Ding dong the witch is dead

He's gone.

Jack Straw for Home Secretary.

I can't believe I just said that.

I'm not voting Tory

My heart sank on reading this.

My next sentence was goint to be "I eagerly anticipate the forthcoming resignations of ..." followed by a long list of shadow cabinet ministers whom we could expect to resign. Sadly, the only one I could find expressing opposition to ID cards was John Redwood. (One of Google's hits for "ID cards" and "Theresa May" is a porn site, in case anyone's interested.) I don't feel inclined to do the same exercise for the junior front-bench spokesmen, although I do know that Alan Duncan is unequivically opposed to ID cards - he said so on Question Time the other week.

So, I eagerly anticipate the forthcoming resignations of John Redwood and Alan Duncan.

If you have any evidence of any other Tory front-benchers who have expressed opposition to ID cards, then say so in the comments.

UPDATE: Alan Duncan's book Saturn's Children is classified under Science Fiction & Fantasy at Amazon.

UPDATE: Apparently Oliver Letwin, David Davis and Tim Yeo had "serious reservations" about the new policy, with Michael Howard having to deny that Tim Yeo said the plans "stink". No signs of any resignations yet.

Peter Lilley is opposed to the new policy, and has always opposed ID cards, as you already new. Unfortunately, he cannot resign in protest. (Via Mark Holland.)

Poor old Boris. If only he had hung on for a few more weeks, he could have had a proper resignation.

Another mathematics joke

This is shameless plagiarism from Vox Baby, via Catallarchy, but it made me laugh:

[T]here are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

A slogan designed by a committee

A commenter at Samizdata tells us that the slogan on the cars of his local police force is "Protect and Serve". Here is the corresponding slogan of my local police force:

Which one do you think suggests that the police know what they're supposed to be doing?

UPDATE: Mark posits the absurd conjecture that the members of the aforementioned committee are aspiring poets:

Are you sure they weren't just trying for a nifty rhyme?

I'm looking forward to "kicking hide in Strathclyde" and "keeping the streets from going mean in Aberdeen"

I refute it thus:

Of course not, Mark. The Great McGonagall was from Dundee, so such stirring poetry could only be found on the other side of the Tay:

Keeping robbers and murderers and felons,
And miscellaneous other villains,
At bay,
On the banks of the Silvery Tay.

Mind you, I suppose Burns could have supplied one for the west coast:

To a'guid Gentlefolk o'Ayrshire,
The Constabul'ry declares wi' Pleasure,
We shall dutif'ly guard your Treasure,
From Larceny,
By gien Villains in no ha'Measure,
The Third Degree.