Fancy a fag?
Tomorrow, Scotland takes another small step on the road to being a miserable little tyranny, as the much yearned-for smoking ban comes into force. Henceforth, it will be illegal to light up inside a private business where the owner has allowed access for members of the public.
Not to worry, though, for even miserable little tyrannies present their business opportunities. And so it is with pleasure and pride that I can announce the opening of the Don't Hold Your Breath Speakeasy. If you're desperate for a smoke, then just come to St Andrews, walk into the front shop, tell the assistant the secret password and you will be taken to a secret basement where you will be free to puff away to your heart's content. Bootlegged liquor will be available too.
Don't worry about being busted, for the local constabulary have been bought off with suitable bribes. Indeed, given that the Bobbies round here aren't exactly pictures of health, I imagine they will be patronising the establishment themselves.
Just one thing, being a non-smoker, I really don't like the smell of tobacco on my property. It means you have to keep the windows open for days afterwards, which isn't pleasant in the Arctic climate of the East Neuk. So, would you mind if I asked you to smoke outside? Thanks.