Scruffy, bearded scousers

My mole in the City has sent me this screenshot from an online training manual for compliance with money laundering regulations (click to enlarge):


Indeed. Whilst it is certainly true that most money launderers are scruffy, bearded scousers carrying plastic bags full of used bank notes, it will be the ones who aren't who will catch you out.

Endurance

Yesterday, I bought myself a new pair of running shoes.

"Why did you buy yourself a new pair of running shoes, Andy?"

I have goals to achieve.

(Via Owen Barder.)

Lagrangian dynamics

This was obviously a Junior Honours project of some undergraduate physicist somewhere.

Bird flu! Ten miles away!

A colleague of mine had a bit of a cough the other day. I told him he should get it checked out, lest it be bird flu. My colleague lives in Anstruther and, sure enough, bird flu has now arrived in the UK, virtually on his doorstep, in neighbouring Cellardyke. I understand that this strain of bird flu is most lethal to people in their twenties and thirties, which means that I'm bang in the middle of the target age group. So, it looks like I'm not going to live to the end of the year.

Such annoyances aside, however, I am delighted by this news. It presents a splendid opportunity for creating mischief. We can now declare open season on all those pestilential nuisances that blight our lives. Let's get started then.

The seagulls in St Andrews are all infected with bird flu. Actually, I have no idea whether they are or aren't, but these f****** c**** seem to take some perverse pleasure in s******* on my car. Just make sure you tell everyone that the gulls all have bird flu. Irrational mass hysteria over the possibility would suit me just fine. For God's sake, think of the children!

Neds are notorious carriers of bird flu. No need to explain myself there, I think.

Buckfast tastes really great when mixed with swan's blood. Just in case the last one doesn't work.

I'll add more when I think of them. Feel free to add your own.

Thought for the day

There's nothing quite like asserting your justly-acquired property rights for pulling rank when your flatmate complains that, by entering your own living room, you have ruined his seduction of a beautiful woman.

That is all.