A colleague of mine had a bit of a cough the other day. I told him he should get it checked out, lest it be bird flu. My colleague lives in Anstruther and, sure enough, bird flu
has now arrived in the UK, virtually on his doorstep, in neighbouring Cellardyke. I understand that this strain of bird flu is most lethal to people in their twenties and thirties, which means that I'm bang in the middle of the target age group. So, it looks like I'm not going to live to the end of the year.
Such annoyances aside, however, I am delighted by this news. It presents a splendid opportunity for creating mischief. We can now declare open season on all those pestilential nuisances that blight our lives. Let's get started then.The seagulls in St Andrews are all infected with bird flu.
Actually, I have no idea whether they are or aren't, but these f****** c**** seem to take some perverse pleasure in s******* on my car. Just make sure you tell everyone that the gulls all have bird flu. Irrational mass hysteria over the possibility would suit me just fine. For God's sake, think of the children!Neds are notorious carriers of bird flu.
No need to explain myself there, I think.Buckfast tastes really great when mixed with swan's blood.
Just in case the last one doesn't work.
I'll add more when I think of them. Feel free to add your own.